


The Egg Experiment

by BaffledFox



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-07
Updated: 2015-10-07
Packaged: 2018-04-25 06:01:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4949431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BaffledFox/pseuds/BaffledFox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zim and Dib need to take care of an egg together for their Health Class grade. </p>
<p>What can possibly go wrong? </p>
<p>ZADR</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Egg Experiment

“The Egg Experiment”

‘Day: Zero’

By: BaffledFox

 

High school health class was one of the least desirable classes, right up there with P.E. on the level of awkwardness a teenager could suffer in their school career. Dib hated this class with a passion that rivaled his hatred for Zim, but it was a mandatory course, and all his grades counted if he wanted to get into a good college(college he was still on the fence about, but he may as well put his effort in school just in case, especially since Zim’s plans to either take over or destroy the world seemed to flop at every turn, he might eventually have to get a job and his own place).

“Class, I have a little project for you,” Mr. Doom slurred, his voice hollow and deep, vibrating off the walls of the classroom, “As you know, it’s nearing winter break, and instead of taking a test to see all you’ve learned thus far, I’ve decided on an experiment to see just how much you really understand about family life and coexisting with your peers.”

Dib balanced a pencil between his fingers, lounging back in his seat to take a quick glance at Zim – just to make sure he wasn’t up to something. Currently the alien had some sort of ray gun in pieces on his desk, he was tinkering with it blatantly, but none of the students around him seemed to notice or care. Dib frowned, it figured, Zim could probably stand up on his desk, rip off his disguise, and claim he was an alien bent on sucking the brains out of everyone here, and most wouldn’t be bothered enough to even look at him.

Then again, everyone was used to Dib and Zim by now, they figured they were just insane and left them alone, no matter how daunting and irritating their outbursts and fighting became. It was a good and bad thing, good because they no longer got sent to the school counselor for their confrontations, but a bad thing because it made all the students too complacent and accepting; leaving them vulnerable if Zim really decided to be serious and attack.

Mr. Doom leaned back on his desk, his shrewd burgundy eyes flicking out across the expanse of students before him, “It’s a life test,” He gestured towards the mini-mountain of egg cartons beside him, “I’m going to pair you up into a family unit, you will then be responsible for an egg. Each egg will need to be decorated before you leave class today, I will sign the back of each egg so you won’t be able to replace it if it breaks.”

Dib’s attention turned back to the teacher, digesting the information and deflating with the idea of it all. This could be a hindrance – how was he supposed to keep an eye on Zim if he had to pair up with some dumb girl and take care of an egg?

Dib didn’t have time for girls, or dating, or human relationships in general – he isolated himself on purpose, having devoted himself to the good of humanity, he was socially inept and generally awkward when it came to dealing with his peers. He avoided other humans like the plague and followed Zim as if he were his driving force in life(and he sort of was, aside from school). He nibbled his lower lip in agitation, absently wondering what poor fool would be paired with Zim; feeling a biting sensation akin to jealousy gnawing at his insides, but he tried to vehemently push it aside.

He wasn’t jealous for Zim’s soon-to-be-partner, he was merely concerned, Zim would probably steal her away in his lab and do horrible experiments on her, and break their egg on top of it because Zim didn’t care about school or grades; why he had even made it to high school was because of his want to appear normal, but even that ruse had been forced, Zim seemed to have had enough of the stupid masses of human children.

“Also,” Dib snapped back to attention, “To improve tolerance towards alternative lifestyle couples, it is mandatory that we have at least one lesbian and one gay couple to watch over an egg.” Mr. Doom lifted the hat that was on his desk, ruffling the paper slips inside, “I will pull two names from the hat, so it will be completely random.”

Dib frowned, he didn’t want to be part of the gay couple, he really didn’t need ‘gay’ tacked onto being insane, that would surely murder whatever was left of his meager social standing.

As the minutes pressed on, Mr. Doom walked up and down the aisle, each newly formed couple was handed a lab sheet and an egg. Zita and Gretchen became the lesbian couple; and he was just about to announce the remaining gay couple. His hand dived into the hat, picking out two slips; he unfolded the first sheet—

Dib prayed to God his name wouldn’t be called.

“Dib,” Damn it. Well, he didn’t believe in God anyway. “and Zim.”

“Zim?!” Dib got up from his seat, slamming his hands on his desk in outrage.

Zim started to the sound of his name and blinked around the room in confusion before he looked at Dib, “Eh?”

Mr. Doom seemed to just materialize in front of Dib’s desk, his tall looming form forced Dib to sit back in his seat. The teacher’s eyes glowed unnaturally, “Do you oppose my method? Did you have a boy in mind you’d rather be with?”

Dib flushed hotly, the students around him began to giggle and point, “N-No, Mr. Doom, I just—“

“Do your assignment, I trust you can endure a week with your ‘rival’,” The teacher mocked, and reappeared suddenly behind his desk. Mr. Doom gestured to the class, “One person from each family please come up and get an egg.”

Students filed up and got an egg, Dib glanced to Zim but the alien was back to tinkering and apparently had missed the entire session so far. Grudgingly Dib went up and got an egg, heading back to his desk and feeling more deflated than before. The egg wouldn’t survive, he was sure, and his grades would flounder, and Zim didn’t even seem aware of anything around him. Ugh, if the alien was annoying before, he was definitely more so now. Dib tried to look on the bright side; at least it meant some other poor human wouldn’t become Zim’s plaything.

“The assignment is seven days. You have to go the entire week with your egg. Each day you must write a report. I will pass out the note cards and you are to fill in the questions as if this was an actual baby. It is required you fill in the card at the times specified so you can get a true feel of what being a new parent is like.”

As the thick white card stock got passed out, Dib eyed the card dubiously. It was nearly around the clock care, with only a few hour gaps between at random times where no data needed to be entered. Well, he was used to never getting sleep; he didn’t think it would be that difficult.

“Now, get with your partner and create your egg baby. You will get extra points if the egg looks like you and your partner.”

With a full body sigh, Dib got up from his chair and perused the craft supplies at the front of the room. He grabbed some glitter; press on gems, green egg dye, a cup of water, some paint brushes, black ink, and black yarn. If he was going this, he was going to get the damn extra credit.

Dib went over to Zim and kicked a desk until it slammed into the side of Zim’s desk. It rattled the bits of whatever on the alien’s desk and Zim hissed at him in response. “Dib-human what is--?!”

“You weren’t paying attention.” As usual. “We are on a team and we have to take care of a baby. You’re not going to fuck this up for me.” He said as he sat down, putting all the craft supplies on his desk and still carefully holding the egg.

“A baby?” Zim blinked, completely derailed by the topic.

“Yes.” Dib held the egg up in Zim’s face—Bad idea, the Irken grabbed it from him and Dib had a mini panic attack. “No, don’t, not too rough, don’t hold it too hard you’ll break it, God Zim, give it back!”

Zim kept leaning further and further away from Dib until he was nearly on the floor and Dib was caught among the rails of the desk and grabbing at Zim. Zim had one hand up against Dib’s face to hold him back; the other held the egg still in his view so he could properly look at it. The mottled white and brown shell confused him, as did the wet noise he heard coming from the inside when he shook it. “This is a human baby?”

Dib was about to make another swipe at the Irken before he decided this would be even more amusing. He instead sat back in his chair, and Zim leaned back up in turn. Zim wasn’t trying to destroy the egg at least, and looked actually a bit unsure about it, but was holding it delicately enough. “Yes. It is a human baby. But, we need to decorate the shell to look like us so it’ll hatch into a baby that is ours.”

“Our baby?” Zim looked skeptical.

“Yup. If you decorate the outside right, you’ll get a baby after a week. If you break it, or crack it, it dies and we won’t have a baby.” Dib couldn’t believe after all these years Zim knew nothing of human kind or how they bred. But, he supposed he didn’t have to learn before. Their health class hadn’t covered much of anything yet, and even if they did, Zim never paid attention. It wasn’t unusual he didn’t know, he supposed, but it was a little silly. Besides, why would Zim care even if it was a baby?

Somehow he did seem intrigued, at the least. Zim was focused, for once, and Dib counted his blessings for it. Maybe the assignment wouldn’t be too bad. “Hmmm.” Zim glanced at the art supplies.

“It’s for our assignment, Zim. So, we need to make sure it doesn’t die. Got it?”

“Yes, yes.” Zim waved his hand.

“Good.” Dib poured the dye in the water and mixed it around. When it was good and green he extended his hand for the egg but Zim didn’t give it up. “I want to dye it, give it to me.”

“No.” Zim looked at the swirling substance, “I’ll do it.”

“You don’t know how.”

“Then show me.”

“Just give it to me.”

“No.”

“Zim—“ Dib knew this was going to escalate as it always did, and he finally just let out a huff and decided to be the bigger person(which was happening more and more lately). Maybe this was what maturity was, he actually was starting to care about how he was viewed by those around him. “Fine. You do it. Put the egg in this cage here, okay? Yeah, like that. Then lower it into the water, really gentle. Okay, now just keep it completely submerged for at least a minute.”

Zim was completely concentrated on the task. It was a little, well, cute actually. That spot between his eyes was pinched and he was frowning so forcefully. His body was completely rigid and the water wasn’t even rippling; Dib hadn’t known Zim to ever be that still. Maybe he was actually taking this seriously; but it wasn’t for the grade, so who even knew the reason, but Dib didn’t care right now. At least he could be more confident that his grade wasn’t about to tank.

“That’s good. Now take it out.” They had a shiny green egg(which was darker in some places than others due to the original spots), it looked unique, since all the other eggs were going to be brown or peach.

“Now?” Zim asked, deferring to Dib’s opinion which made the human feel for the first time that they weren’t enemies. They were actually on a team, and they were going to make this work.

“Okay. Uh, I got some eyes. Amber.” He felt a little silly now, the egg’s shell was green like Zim’s skin but then he just pressed on the amber gems that were his own eyes. Dib then applied glue to the top of the egg and pressed on a mess of black yarn for hair.

“Interesting.” Zim said, still holding the egg in its wire seat. “This is how you humans breed?”

“Uh,” Well, he had started the lie, so why not just go with it? “Yeah. We find a partner and decorate an egg which we buy at stores, then if it all goes well, we get a baby.”

“Dib has not done this before?”

“No, I haven’t.”

Zim’s expression was pinched again; he was processing, but Dib wasn’t sure what. “You picked Zim?”

Oh, no, no, no, no—“It’s an assignment, Zim. Mr. Doom put us together. See, the whole class is paired.”

“Mating season?”

“Uh, something like that.”

“So, you could have been paired with someone else.”

“You could have too.” Dib countered, but didn’t know why it felt weird to say, or why his stomach flipped. Zim’s expression changed, but he didn’t know how to read it. He decided not to think about it. “Here, I’ll draw the mouth.” Dib left out a nose and ears, just drew a long flat line for the mouth, not happy, or angry, just neutral.

“Now what?” Zim asked, looking a little out of his element.

Dib shrugged, having decided he didn’t need to embellish anything. “You can touch the egg now, the shell should be dry.” Zim took it from its wire cage and held it, “How do Irkens, you know, have babies or whatever?”

Zim pondered a moment, “I don’t have a memory file of prehistory, but the current way, we are cloned in hatcheries and nurtured by robots until we are fit to join the ranks above.”

Sort of like a hive, Dib reasoned. So, this pairing would be even more foreign to Zim, but he could now understand why Zim wouldn’t question the egg, since his species didn’t pair and mate so primitively. “I was a clone too.”

Zim tilted his head, “You weren’t an egg?”

“No,” Well sort of, but he figured the details would confuse Zim. “I was just made, like you.” It felt weird to say out loud. It also put Zim in a sharper perspective, because they were more similar than he’d like to admit. They were both different, both outcasts, and even bred the same.

Zim didn’t say anything, he was just holding the egg in his gloved hands and probably thinking something, or plotting.

Dib started to gather up the supplies to return, “So, do you want me to take the egg first? We can meet later after school and do the first part of the assignment together.”

“Zim can watch it.”

Dib was skeptical, but so far the Irken hadn’t tried to smash or eat it, so he figured he could trust him for a few hours. “Alright, I’ll keep the assignment page and we’ll meet up later. Okay?”

“Sure, sure.” Zim waved him off and Dib rolled his eyes. Typical.

Dib returned the supplies up front, and cleaned off the desk. Mr. Doom explained a few more trivial details of the assignment and then class was finally dismissed. He got up and left when the bell rang, like the horde of students behind him. Only when he was out in the hall did he notice Zim wasn’t in view. He looked back and saw him finally get up from his seat and walk, after the mob was dispersed, holding the egg very protectively.

Weird.

Dib shrugged and decided to ignore Zim’s behavior. After all, it was benefiting him. He wasn’t so nervous about getting a bad grade since Zim seemed so intent on guarding the egg.

He’d just have to see what the week at in store for him. But, first, it was time for English.


End file.
